Thomas Charles Henry

Hello. A friend recently started a new band and asked if I wanted to have a go at writing some song lyrics. He won’t be making that mistake again.

If you’re easily offended by homosexuality or bad language, you might want to skip this one (plus, we can’t be friends).

Grindr

I spent the night on Grindr.
Normally I’m against all forms of social media.
But I was looking for a distraction
From my boredom and isolation.
It’s a shame none of these guys can spell.
I guess I’ll stick to masturbation

And that’s because:
When there’s a their,
Or a they’re,
Where there should be a there,
Then there’s no hope for us.

And if you’re unsure
If it’s a your,
Or a you’re,
Then you’re not going to be my date.

Oh god, I hate
Myself.
I think I’ll stay home with my cat.
He’s my best friend and he barely likes me.

Soon, I’m back on Grindr.
I’m feeling so alone, I’ll try to be a little kinder.
To my surprise
There’s a message waiting,
Asking “r u free 2nite?”
The text speak makes my skin crawl
Although, the sender looks alright.

But here’s my view:
If you can’t tell a to
From a too,
Or a two,
Then I’m not too in to you.

And whilst we’re on the subject,
‘You’ is a three letter word –
You don’t need to abbreviate!

Oh god, I hate
Myself.
I think I’ll stay home with my cat.
He’s my best friend and he barely likes me.

Now
I don’t know how to reply.
Maybe I’ll sign out for the night.
It’s a shame because he looked like my type:
Chubby and cute,
A little shy.
And so damn fuckable!
I should just move past it all.
He’s only 5 kilometres away.
There’s not much choice in this dead-end town
If you’re gay.

Now
He’s sent me a picture
And his cock is so much bigger
Than mine
(Not that it’s difficult).
It’s just not what I was expecting.
I’ll admit, it’s kind of depressing
Intimidating.
I’ve been on this app for hours, constantly refreshing.

That’s why I hate
Myself.
I think I’ll stay home with my cat.
He’s my only friend and he barely likes me.
I mean, why would he?
You’ve seen the best of me.
It’s not pretty.

But at least I’ve got my books.